With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple, clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our diets: "How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet still have the body of a fashion model?"

For men, of course, there is some flexibility--they don't necessarily want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body fat.

Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no desserts unless it is someone's birthday or something, and they will order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words "Chicken Caesar."

On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet, and (b) men don't care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don't need to bother with it.

To aid dieters of all known genders, I've researched the current data on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide.

Rule # 1: Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are in the presence of a cheese cake.

Rule # 2: There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful--so perhaps experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around hungry all the time, so you're in luck.

Rule # 3: Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs.

Rule # 4: Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then, feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans.
You'll lose weight!

Rule # 5: Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty logical to me.

Rule # 6: Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power. (Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?)

Rule # 7: My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too, though I don't want to be the first one on my block to try it.

Rule # 8: Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with enough food the first time around.

The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you don't have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet.

Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors.

www.wbrucecameron.com

Labels: diet, funny